b ~ Let us go then, you and I

Here take my hand. It used to be that I could reach out and T would
grab my hand to cross the street, parking lot or anywhere when I felt
he needed a little extra protection. Now he’s beyond all that. A few
weeks ago I took him to the doctor’s for his flu shot. The parking lot
was icy and I had on the dress boots instead of the rugged ones that I
should have worn. He came around and took my hand to support me. He
held it all the way though the parking lot and beyond where it was
necessary. I don’t know why I thought I would fall, I was so happy
from that kind gesture I’m sure my feet weren’t even touching the
ground.

Into each day a few errands must fall; there are doctor’s visits,
packages to be mailed and groceries to be bought. Check lists need to
be made, and items to be hopefully, blessedly crossed off. I try to
have a few moments in each day to fortify myself and lift my sometimes
sagging spirits. There are blogs that I read almost daily, ones that
make me feel happy and connected to a group of women I’ve never
met–but in some ways I consider them friends. Over the holidays
Andrea J posted a few photos, ones that she said she wanted to relive
and climb inside. I certainly felt like there were a few moments
during the holidays that I wished I could have captured. And though I
didn’t nab a photo, those images live vividly in my head. Like T and I
decorating the tree and watching the two of us like a movie in the
window. The Beatles sing-along on the ride home after dinner and a
movie with T’s friend. Walking across an unicy parking lot to grab a
loaf of bread from the grocery as the three of us held hands, me in
the middle. I told myself then: This, remember this.

What I remember most about the holidays was the joyous freedom of
having several days off from work. Surprisingly most everyday became
filled with something. Rather than try to cram in one more event, my
friend MD decided to extend an invitation for me to visit in January
when I had a few days off in a row. I looked forward to our time
together, partly because I had never met her boyfriend, I had only
heard stories about him. This visit would be the perfect opportunity
to see them together as a couple. I had the most wonderful time, even
though it passed by in a blur. They just moved in to this apartment in
December and everything is still so new. Yet their easy report and
silly banter made me remember what it was like when M and I first met,
that breathless anticipation I used to feel before I saw him, those
first few months in our new apartment as we adjusted the rhythm of our
lives. It’s almost hard to recall those feelings, it seems so long
ago. But this weekend I saw first hand what it’s like to be in love
with the world still full of so many possibilities And they took such
good care of me. There were waffles and windows, compote and
conversation. And tea. Lots of tea to take the edge off of the tiny
temperatures outside. Driving home I was reminded of my life five
years ago this week when I arrived home from my trip to Europe. It was
an adjustment to be back, and I certainly saw being home as an end to
something important. But is some ways it was the beginning to
everything that came after. January always feels like a time to begin
again.

For me it keeps coming back to these hands, this invitation to come
along on a journey. The other day I gave myself a morning to stay in
bed and read. It was luxurious and such a treat. T came in with a book
and I asked him if he wanted to sit with me and we could each read,
something he used to do when he was little. He just chuckled and said
“You just want me next to you so that you can read me the good parts
aloud.” Okay, so maybe that was a secret intention. I had just come to
page 153 in John Green’s latest book, “The Fault in Our Stars.” Gus
and Hazel are on a plane and he asks her to tell him something and she
starts reciting Prufrock. Reading that was one of those moments you
live for, a connection as sharp and intense as a lightning strike.
Hazel gave it to Gus as a gift, as an offering. And so I give this to
you an invitation to follow along on this two year journey. Please say
you’ll come, it should be a most wonderful adventure.

~b