I’ve been fuming all week about this blog post. I hate Indecision. Not in other people – I don’t care if you can’t make a decision. I hate Indecision in me. I hate it and its twin, Lack of Confidence. And its first cousin once removed, Shyness. And their inbred offspring, Blush, Sweat and Nausea.
Indecision and its family make my voice shake when I say something out loud, even if there’s only one other person in the room. Especially if there’s more than five. Over twenty, forget it, I’ll probably cry. But even to just one person, at a party or a meeting, even to someone I’ve met before – talking is hard.
I am not the kind of person you adore right away. I can’t make jokes if I’ve only just met you; I will not be able to answer get-to-know-you questions with effective anecdotes. Sometimes people have heard of me or read my writing and then we make real-life introductions and I spot that flicker of disappointment on their faces. It’s okay. I come across a certain way on the screen. I’m warm, occasionally bubbly, confident – Real Me is quite a bit more standoffish. Real Me isn’t sure you’ll like her so she tries to act indifferent just in case. Real Me is still, apparently, struggling through the social circles of middle school.
This is part of the reason I’ll never get divorced. Who would I feel comfortable with ever again? Who would hang out alone by the beer coolers and pretend to waltz with me if not M?
But regardless of the security of my man, gaining Decision and Confidence is a major goal, has been for a while. It’s up there with publish a book, bake a wedding cake just for fun, and master Minuet in G. It’s a long process. It requires quite a bit self admonishment, which in turn requires self discipline to keep from stepping over the line into self hatred. It requires deep breathing and yoga. It requires wine, and sometimes a cookie. Mostly it requires the realization that we all have two choices: give up and never leave your house which someday you will lose because you can’t pay for it because you never leave your house, or cowboy up, cupcake, and deal. Life is hard for the shy introvert, but there’s no excuse for moving backward.